


Pretty (Finding Balance)

by sierrarefit14



Category: NU'EST
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Depression, F/M, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-11-25
Updated: 2016-11-25
Packaged: 2018-09-02 02:27:51
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 19,477
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8648236
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sierrarefit14/pseuds/sierrarefit14
Summary: People thought that he was pretty - and they weren't wrong. Choi Minki was very pretty, but he was also male. Nothing anyone could ever say or do would ever change his gender, neither could how he chose to dress. So why did people make such a big deal out of it all the time? Why did they have to insult and threaten him, when he was only doing this for the sake of his fans?





	1. Pretty

**Author's Note:**

> Warning, this is very, very long. It's just the way that it's written, and I apologize for not breaking it up more, but my outline was three parts, so I decided to write the story itself in three parts and it turned into a monster.

“You're too pretty, Ren-ah.” the director's tone was harsh as he broke the news to the newest trainee under Pledis Entertainment. “You look feminine. You don't have very many muscles either, but I like your voice.” He grabbed Ren's face carefully, studying the young male's angular jaw line. 

Ren bit back the remark that came to mind, instead meeting the CEO's gaze levelly. His low voice came out surprisingly calm despite the fact that he felt like all of the comments being made about him were thinly veiled insults and not simple observations. "I've always looked like this. I was made fun of for it in school because I didn't look as boyish as other kids my age.” 

“Mhm.” was all that the director said in response as he took a step back away from his trainee. “We might be able to work with your natural feminine features in that case. Your androgynous appearance might just be what sets you apart from the other four members. Hell, we can even try to make it your trademark. Think of yourself as the opposite of Amber Liu from f(x)” 

Ren raised a questioning eyebrow. “Didn't you just tell me that I was “too” feminine? Now you're talking about using it to my advantage?” 

The CEO gave him an appraising look. “You're much more feminine than the other members, yes. Have you seen Baekho? He's about as masculine looking as you can get. You, on the other hand, are on the other end of the spectrum.” 

Ren dug his heels into the ground to prevent himself from saying something that could quite possibly get him kicked out of the company. The CEO's seemingly inconsistent opinions were making his head hurt.“Are you okay with how I look or not?” 

“Frankly, no. But we can make it work is what I'm getting at. We'll make your weakness your strength. You've just got to promise to do whatever I say. For all we know you might even start liking it.” 

Choi Mink laughed harshly under his breath from the living room of Nu'Est's living room as he thought back to his trainee days when he had been told that the androgynous concept would suit his natural appearance the best. The CEO had been right - after awhile, the concept had grown on him and given him a sense of confidence and freedom that he had never felt before. It had been invigorating until the comments about his gender had started.

At first, they didn't bother him. Really, they didn't, at least that's what he made himself believe. He had tough skin and had learned to not let things get to him - when you were in the spotlight you were always going to have people who loved and hated you - there was simply no way around it.

He was usually pretty damn good at not letting people hurt his feelings - his manager had later warned him that he could expect some degree of heat from conservative people who watched the band, but Ren would have to learn how to ignore them. However as he logged onto his twitter account and checked his mentions, his face slowly contorted in annoyance.

The comments were on a selfie that he had posted with Baekho. Ren had recently dyed his hair back to its natural black and gotten long extensions down to his shoulders. People were talking about how manly Baekho looked compared to Ren - something that the maknae was used to by now. What he wasn't used to were the questions about whether or not that he had undergone a sex change and was secretly a woman.

He was a man. How he chose to look didn't affect his gender - fashion didn't make the person wearing it. He was simply taking a style and breaking cultural norms - that was his choice and his charm. Ren still believed that strongly, but as he continued reading, he felt his annoyance growing into genuine anger. One particularly rude comment stuck out to the twenty-year-old and his gaze narrowed as he read the words aloud, his voice barely louder than a hiss.

'Ren didn't have a sex change. I think it should be obvious to everyone that he's just a transvestite. I mean, look at the pictures of him wearing a skirt - he's basically embodying the definition of a transvestite. I think the sex change is probable in his near future, but not right now while Nu'Est is still together. I think when they disband he'll transition. This is just my opinion, though.' 

Ren slammed his laptop closed and barely managed to stop himself from throwing it across the room. Instead, he sat it down on the floor beside him and rested his chin on his knees, glaring at the white carpet. It wasn't long before he felt a hand on his shoulder and heard Nu'Est's oldest member, Aron, talking from the couch behind him. “Minki? Why are you mad all of the sudden?”

Shrugging the hand off of his shoulder, Ren shook his head and refused to answer. Aron slid off of the couch and into the floor beside him. “Ren,” he said firmly. The maknae still refused to acknowledge him. Frustrated, Aron began tickling Ren's sides - something that the youngest member absolutely despised.

Ren began laughing hysterically against his will. He swatted Aron's hand away but still the oldest member kept up his relentless attack on Ren's sides. Normally Ren would have started a playful wrestling match with his hyung, but today he was not in a mood to be messed with. “STOP!” he yelled suddenly, startling both himself and Aron.

Aron ceased tickling the clearly pissed off member and stared at him with eyebrows raised. Ren stood up quickly and turned his back to Aron. “I'm going to go see Seong-Un. Don't wait up.” The maknae knew that he was only angry with Aron because he didn't want to admit that being made fun of him had gotten to him. He made a mental note to apologize to his hyung for his outburst after he had calmed himself down.

He knew that he would feel better as soon as he went to see his girlfriend, Seong. The two had been dating since before Nu'Est's debut - before Ren had changed his image for the band. Seong-Un had never seemed to have a problem with how Ren now looked. That had made him realize that her love for him was more than skin deep - she loved him for who he was underneath all of the makeup and clothing.

Ren had taken careful precautions to keep their relationship out of the media - he had seen many relationships torn apart due to comments from jealous fans or news reporters who liked to twist people's words. Even then, he knew that Seong still had social media accounts and followed him on them - she was just as exposed to the comments about him as he was. His biggest fear was that Seong would read some of the absurd comments about him and actually make the mistake of believing them.

So far that had not happened and Seong had repeatedly assured Ren that it wouldn't. He had started to believe her despite his better judgment telling him that there was no way that Seong could be so sure. She had never lived in the limelight - she really had no clue how things worked.

Ren shook his head to clear away the negative thoughts and gave Aron one last apologetic look. Or at least he hoped that it looked apologetic - with his current mood, he wasn't sure if he could control the sullen expression that was surely on his face.

With a final sigh of defeat, Ren turned on his heels and walked out of the Nu'Est dorm past curious managers. He gave them an excuse of going for a walk for some fresh air, but the manager hyungs knew exactly where their charge was going. They just simply chose not to comment on it to give Ren some sort of privacy - they were all too aware that the poor kid already ha a deficit of that.

Luckily Seong's apartment was just within walking distance of Nu'Est's dorm so Ren didn't have too far to travel. It was slightly chilly outside the dorm and Ren considered going back and grabbing his jacket, but knew that he would run the risk of bumping into one of the other four members - he didn't feel like explaining himself to them either.

Ren started his walk with a deep sigh, taking the familiar path to Seong's apartment. He'd made the same walk more times than he could count in the last few years and knowing the way had become second nature to him.

Luckily it was fairly late so there were few cars and people around - less risk of him getting caught by an overly curious fan or reporter. He was glad for that even though any other day he wouldn't have minded stopping for a quick picture or autograph.

Before long, he found himself at the door to Seong's apartment. He knocked on the door gently and waited. He could hear movement across the hardwood floor and knew that she was on her way. A few seconds later the handle jingled and the door was opened, allowing a pajama-clad Seong to come into Ren's view. “Seong-ah,” he mumbled and pulled her against his chest before resting his chin on top of her head. “I missed you.”

“You saw me this morning, Minki.” She said but smiled nonetheless and returned his hug. “Come inside - I'm freezing.”

Ren followed Seong into the living room and shut the door behind him. The spicy sweet scent of cinnamon vanilla wafted up to his nose and he smiled, instantly feeling more relaxed. That was Seong's signature scent - her house always smelled like a mix of those two fragrances and Ren loved it.

When he stopped sniffing the air and focused his gaze on his girlfriend once again, he noticed that her eyes were glazed over and her hair slightly disheveled. “Oh no.. you weren't asleep, were you?”

Seong nodded her head. “I was. But not for very long, so it's okay. But why are you here, Minki? It's almost ten p.m - I know that you haven't forgotten that the band has practice in the morning.”

Ren blinked and looked away, refusing to meet her gaze. “Can't I just decide to have an impromptu visit with my girlfriend?”

“Maybe. But Aron called me and warned me that something had put you into a bad mood.”

Ren's head shot up and he glared in irritation. “Damn him.”

“You don't mean that. He did it because he's worried about you and didn't want me to be unprepared when you got here this late.”

“I know,” Ren mumbled in defeat but didn't elaborate. He didn't move or speak again until Seong grabbed his hand gently and led him over to her couch. She pushed him onto it and took a seat beside him. Ren rested his head in her lap as she ran her hands through his hair, making him immediately relax.

“Minki. I know that something's bothering you. It hurts when you don't trust me enough to tell me what's going on.”

“I don't want to talk about it.”

“Really? Then why would you come here at ten o'clock at night, knowing good and well that you could have come tomorrow after practice?” Seong stopped stroking Ren's hair, causing the singer to roll over and stare up at her questioningly. “Nope. I'm not doing it anymore until you start talking,” she replied, as if able to read his thoughts. She knew that he loved the sensations her hands caused on his scalp - it was one of the reasons that she wondered if he was somehow a reincarnated cat. The boy loved being pet too much.

Ren pouted adorably and Seong looked away, knowing that he was trying to coerce her into ignoring that something was wrong. “I'm not giving up until you talk. We can stay up all night - I've got time, but you don't. You have to wake up for practice at eight a.m, and you know that it takes you at least an hour to fall asleep. It's almost eleven now since you've been wasting time.”

“It was just a stupid comment on twitter. I shouldn't have let it get to me, but it did. It hurt a lot more than it should have.”

“Can I see what they said?” Ren winced and rolled on his side again. He had feared that she would ask him to show her what had his emotions all wound up. He'd been expecting it, but he still hadn't been prepared for the little sting in his heart that the thought of reliving it caused. He was almost ready to tell her no when he felt her running her hands through his hair again, instantly making him agree to show her the comments, despite his strong desire not to.

Ren reached into the back pocket of his jeans and pulled out his cellphone. He logged onto the twitter app with a heavy heart and went to his newsfeed. He was immediately shocked to see that the picture he had posted with Baekho had hundreds of comments now. He scrolled down, trying not to read the rest of them until his gaze fell on the one that he was looking for.

Seong reached for his phone and he gave it to her without much fight. She continued playing with his hair comfortingly as she read, her brow slowly furrowing in sadness as she read the original comment and some of its replies. Her gaze fell on a recent comment that had gotten many retweets. She was terrified of what it said, but she found herself unable to look away.

'At first, I was fine with my teenage daughter listening to this band. I had always thought that something seemed a little bit... off about Ren but never thought that he was like this. He clearly wants to be a woman, and that's not okay. God gave him the body of a man and he's trying to change that. Anyway, that's enough of my opinions. Let's just say that my child is going to have to find another group to “stan” or whatever the word for supporting a group is.. she will no longer be allowed to listen to a band that has a member who dresses like this and embodies these types of things. The last thing I need is for her to come home and ask me if she can become a man..” 

Seong's breath caught in her throat as she read the last words, her hand unconsciously tangling in Ren's hair to the point that it hurt. “Seong,” he whined as he reached up and grabbed his girlfriend's wrist. “You're hurting my head.”

Coming back to her senses, she released her hold on his hair and laid his phone down on the arm of the couch. Ren sat up and ran his hand across her cheek gently, obvious concern in his eyes. “What is it?” he questioned as he reached for his phone with his free hand. Seong grabbed his hand and placed it on her shoulder before pulling the singer into a kiss.

Ren pulled back a moment later for air, eyes wide and long hair in disarray. “Now I know that something is wrong. You don't kiss me like that unless you're hoping that I won't ask questions.”

Seong flinched. He knew her too well by this point in their relationship - she couldn't lie to him anymore. With a shaking hand and regret written clearly on her face, she handed Ren his phone. He pressed the button to make the screen come to life and began reading the comment that had upset Seong so much.

Ren didn't speak immediately after finishing. He wasn't sure what to say and didn't really trust his voice. Parents were afraid that he would corrupt their children? Was how he chose to dress really that big of an impact on the younger generation? Better yet, how did his choices influence someone else's? He couldn't be blamed for children who didn't feel comfortable in their bodies - that wasn't even his case. Fashion didn't make the person wearing it.

Ren hadn't realized that he'd started shaking. Seong wrapped her arms around his waist and pulled him closer to her, unsure of whether or not he was angry or trying not to cry. Ren shut his phone off and stared at the ground. He was more pissed than he had been before he had left the dorm - a complete defeat of the purpose of this visit.

“Minnie. You know that I love you, right?” The question came out of nowhere, jarring Ren out of his sullen reverie.

“Yeah. I love you too,” he replied honestly but still without lifting his gaze from the floor.

“Why are you letting it get to you, then? You know that you have the members and me who love you unconditionally. What does it matter if some people don't agree with your decisions?”

“Because this is more than people not liking me, Seong. This is apparently hurting Nu'Est's reputation. Some conservative parents are going to stop their kids from listening to our music, all because of what I look like. There's no way that something like that wouldn't get to me.”

“You still have fans who love you for who you are, Minki. What about them - do their opinions and love not matter to you as much as the negative feedback from critics?”

“I never said that.” Ren's voice had taken on an angry tone, one that Seong was not used to hearing. “The fans that support us are what keeps Nu'Est going. But what if my style keeps driving fans away, to the point that we're not selling any albums or concert tickets? What if Nu'Est fails because of me?”

“Why are you worrying so much? Has JR said anything about your appearance being an issue to the band?”

“No.”

“I thought so. Now do you trust JR as your leader?”

“Of course.”

“I'm reaching the conclusion that you're being neurotic for no reason.”

“Maybe you're right, but I can't help it. I would never forgive myself if I was the reason that all of dreams got crushed.”

“I don't think that's going to happen.” Seong leaned forward and kissed his cheek gently. “Now come on, will you at least try to relax? It's late, you look exhausted and don't have that much time left to sleep. You can stay here tonight and I'll come and watch you practice in the morning.”

Ren nodded, suddenly realizing just how tired that he was - being angry always drained him quickly. That's why he made it a habit of trying and quickly forgiving whoever had done him wrong. But tonight, he wasn't ready to let it go - he would just have to hope he had enough time to recover through sleep.

With a sigh, Ren got off the couch and held his hand out to Seong who took it and led him to her bedroom. He kicked off his shoes and took his shirt off before laying down on the soft mattress of her bed and crawling under the blankets until only his head was showing. Seong kissed the top of his head before laying down beside him and cutting off the lamp.

It was only a few moments later that she heard Ren's soft breathing and knew that he had fallen asleep. It normally took the young singer an hour, but tonight she had the feeling that he hadn't been fighting sleep as much as normal - he had been too tired and upset to have any desire to stay up.

Despite being woken up after barely having gone to bed, Seong found herself unable to sleep. She was worried about Ren - her boyfriend had long since learned not to allow himself to be hurt by what people said and had told her many times that other's opinions didn't matter to him, however, she knew that he was lying. In truth, being insulted or disrespected by anyone bothered him a lot - how could it not? They were tearing apart his dignity with questions about his gender. So what if he dressed differently from most men? That didn't change what he was underneath the clothing, did it?

She wanted to protect him but knew deep in her heart that there was nothing she could do. She couldn't even let people know that they were dating - he did that for her sake she knew, but it still hurt having to keep their relationship so well hidden.

Ren tossed in his sleep and she found herself wondering, not for the first time in their relationship, what dreams he was having. She couldn't imagine that after what had been bothering him before bed that he could be having happy dreams, but she hoped nonetheless that whatever visions his mind was playing for him were pleasant.

Seong reached out to him in the dark room, hoping that she was aiming in the right direction for his hair and wasn't about to hit him in the face. Her hand found long locks and she ran her  
fingers through them gently so that she didn't wake him up. After a moment she felt her eyelids getting heavy and she allowed her eyes to close as she drifted off into sleep.

 

"Minki, it's 8:00, you need to get up and take a shower or something to help you wake up. "

"Too tired. Don't want to go to practice."

"Aron is coming over with practice clothes, tell me what you want to wear so he knows."

Ren blinked his dark brown eyes open and focused on Seong's face as awareness slowly crept through him. "Something loose. T-shirt and gym shorts are fine."

"Alright, I'll call him. Now go and get in the shower. Your hair is sticking up everywhere."

Ren grimaced before forcing himself to climb out of Seong's warm bed and stumble groggily into the adjoining bathroom. Seconds later he had stripped out of his jeans and boxers and turned the dial of the shower to adjust the water temperature. With a sigh of effort, he managed to make his tired body cooperate enough to step into the bath and stand under the steamy water.

He almost felt himself being lulled back to sleep by the relaxing spray, but as his cheek brushed against the cold shower wall, he was jarred awake. Damn, next time Seong told him to stop wasting time, he would listen. Ren reached towards the shelf and grabbed the bottle of shampoo sitting there. It smelled like roses - Ren's least favorite scent in beauty products. With a look of distaste, he lathered it into his hair and decided that he would ask JR to lend him some of his cologne before practice. Not that it really mattered - he would smell like sweat soon enough.

It took him longer than it used to wash his hair now, the one downside of the new extensions. For a moment he found himself missing his short blonde hair but quickly crushed the longing feeling. He liked having his hair dark again - it suited his complexion, plus it was something new. If there was one thing that Ren wasn't afraid to do, it was trying new fashion trends. The length was just something he would have to get used to.

A few minutes later he had washed his body and hair and turned the water off. He felt a bit more awake, but it hadn't helped his bad mood. Ren had been trying his best to keep what he had read on twitter the previous night off his mind, but in the end, he failed and the memories crept back up on him. He hadn't been on social media since last night and was a bit scared to log back into it anytime soon.

He hated the feeling of weakness that being afraid to stand up for himself caused. He wasn't afraid to defend himself, he just wasn't allowed to. He had to keep Nu'Est's professional appearance at all costs or it would hurt the band's reputation as a whole - their personal reputations be damned. That meant that Ren basically had to put up with people disrespecting him as a person or risk getting major heat or even forced leave by the company. He didn't like the rules, but sadly, he wasn't the one who put them in place.

Ren took a deep breath and grabbed a fluffy white towel off of the rack beside the shower. He wrapped it tightly around his waist before stepping out onto the tiled floor. He grabbed another towel and attacked his long locks with it, instantly staining it a dull shade of black. The dye in his hair had stopped running in the shower, but was still prone to dying fabrics when wet. And he had used Seong's favorite towels - she had repeatedly begged him not to dry his hair using her good towels if he had recently colored his hair. With a grimace he made a mental note to buy her a new set for her upcoming birthday - she couldn't stay mad at him when he gave her ten more of the same towels, could she?

With that in mind, he quickly walked out of the stuffy bathroom and back into Seong's bedroom. A pair of blue gym shorts and a gray wife-beater were laying folded across the bed, along with the pair of white tennis shoes that he often wore to practice and a pair of ankle-length socks with his favorite character, Luffy from the anime One Piece printed on them. Ren laughed quietly at how well his hyung had thought ahead - he knew what Ren would have asked for had he been awake enough to remember everything he needed for the day. Before he started getting dressed, he quickly hid the stained towel he had used for his hair under the bed - he would explain it to Seong later.

He was dressed and sitting on the bed tying his shoes when Seong came into the room to check on him. She held out a hair-bow when he looked up and Ren smiled gratefully - there was no way in hell that he would have been able to focus with his hair constantly falling in his face and obstructing his vision. Ren frowned when he realized that he hadn't asked Aron to bring him a comb. Seong saw his look and grabbed her own brush off of the vanity. Minki winked and ran it through his hair thoroughly, wincing as it caught in the wet waves. A moment later he pulled his damp locks into a messy ponytail and glanced at himself in the vanity's mirror. He looked fine for practice, but definitely more tired than he usually did.

“Aron already went back to the dorm - everyone else is getting ready. He said we can wait for him to pick us up or we can drive on ahead in my car. Since you're the one going to practice, I'll let you decide.” Seong said after she laid her brush back on the vanity where she could find it. Ren tapped his chin thoughtfully as he he made his decision - he was tired, but he also had too much on his mind. Driving would be a good distraction and might help improve his mood if he couldn't focus as hard on what was bothering him.

“We'll take your car, but I want to drive.”

“Are you sure that's a good idea? You're tired and I really don't think you're in the best of moods right now. I need my car to get to school.”

“I'm sure. If nothing else I'll buy you a new car.”

“Minki, you know that I don't want you to spend that much money on me.”

“Please Seong, just met me drive. It'll distract me a little bit so I can unwind before practice. I'm gonna be too tense to get the moves right if I don't relax.”

“Fine, you can drive. But if I see any indication that you're not in a good condition to drive, promise me that you will pull over and stop the car.”

“Promise.” Seong sighed and grabbed the keys off of her dresser and handed them to Ren. He took them and gave her a quick peck on the cheek before heading outside and getting in Seong's sleek gray Honda Civic.

Ren gripped the steering wheel tightly as he drove down the long expanse of pavement that made up the crowded streets of Seoul. Driving had distracted him for a few moments until he had realized that he hadn't checked any of his social media accounts in hours - he normally tried to respond to at least a few of the messages that he got from fans everyday, but he hadn't been able to log on. He was disappointed in himself for not keeping up the habit that he had picked up - interacting with fans was one of his favorite things to do in his spare time.

Seong noticed the tightness of his hold on her wheel - she had recently gotten the cover replaced and was terrified of any of the paint being chipped off because of rough handling. With a disapproving look she placed her hand on top of one of Ren's to get his attention. He glanced at her before moving his eyes back to the road but said nothing. “You don't have to death grip the wheel.”

Ren chuckled slightly before slackening his hold. “Sorry, I wasn't paying attention. I think the wheel is fine.”

Seong's expression softened as she noticed the distant tone of his voice. He was upset again - she could tell far too easily. “Yeah, I figured. But are you?”

“I dunno. I'm afraid to log onto twitter because I don't want to see what people have said. I don't like being afraid - I think I'm more mad at myself for being scared than I am because I'm being made fun of.”

“You know that its okay to get upset when people talk about you, right? You can't expect to be able to take everything in stride - you're human, not made of stone.” Seong sighed and shook her had sadly before looking out the window. “I'm glad you're getting to live your dream, Ren. But sometimes I really regret what its done to you. The old you would have known that he didn't have to stop himself from feeling upset. You would have embraced your emotions because that's who you were.”

Ren flinched. “You called me Ren..,” he muttered in surprise. Seong normally avoided using his stage name - she felt like he was a completely different person when he went by that name, and not the same Minki that she fell in love with. The fact that she called him that was admitting that she didn't feel like he was the same person at that moment, and it hurt. “Also, I'm still me, Seong. I may act different when I'm on stage, but if you strip everything that Ren is away, I am Minki. I thought you still believed that.”

“I do Minnie. But sometimes I wonder.” She reached and laid her hand against his shoulder before trailing her fingers across his neck, something that she knew gave him chills. “It's just that I've known you since we were born. Our mom's have been friends since they were kids. We've always been together, not to mention that we've been dating since we were teenagers. We're twenty now, Minki. I've been around you for twenty years - and I've had to watch you change more and more since your band's debut. I guess I'm having a hard time keeping up with who you have to be for performances and who you really are. Its like sometimes you forget to switch back to the Minki I know and if I'm being honest, it scares me.”

Ren frowned as he made a right turn in the direction of the practice studio. “I guess you're right. I do change myself to keep up with the new trends and what fans like. I do have different selves that make up Ren's persona as a whole. I'm only Minki when I'm around you and the members away from the spotlight. That's not all that often because our schedules are so strict.”

“You don't know how much I treasure the moments where Ren is gone completely and you're the Minki that I know. I really miss you sometimes.”

“For you, I'll try to be myself more. It does get kind of tiring to have to pretend to be someone I'm not all the time. It just becomes a difficult habit to break. I don't want to lose the person that I am.”

“I won't let that happen. I promise I'm here with you until the end.” Seong smiled and stretched when the familiar practice studio came into view. “Well, we're finally here. I'm ready to get out of this car.”

“Agreed.”

"Ren, did you eat?" JR's voice was clearly concerned, but his face remained stoic as he hovered over his youngest member. Ren's pout grew and the leader knew that he had gotten his question answered. "You're not practicing until you've eaten, and that's final. The last time you didn't eat before practice you collapsed and hit your head. We can't have anyone in the hospital so close to our comeback."

Minki sighed in resignation and held out his hand for the food that he knew JR was probably holding. Something warm was pressed into his hand and he glanced at it, finding that it was actually a chicken biscuit from the McDonalds in Seoul. He unwrapped it and slowly chewed, surprisingly realizing that it tasted good.

Ren watched, still eating his own biscuit as JR offered Seong the last one. She took it and said a quick thank you, smiling slightly. She still wasn't as used to JR as the other members - the leader had a tendency to not talk much and when he did, he often came across as intimidating. She didn't dislike him, she just didn't always feel entirely at ease around him.

Moments later Ren finished the last of his biscuit and the band began practicing the moves for their new song, Sleep Talking. Ren tried to focus on the dance, but found himself having difficulty concentrating. He had bumped into Baekho twice, causing the lead singer to push him backwards in aggravation. After a few moments, he found his groove and found himself slowly forgetting about what had led to his bad mood. That was until he heard angry clapping and the manager stepped forward, an annoyed glower on his face. “Ren, your dance was stunning - simply perfect.” he paused, causing Ren to anticipate that there was a “but” coming. He looked at the ground and bit his lip, refusing to meet the manager's eyes. “But you're doing the wrong dance- that was Hello's dance. Do we need to review the dance for Sleep Talking?”

Ren shook his head and got back into position to restart the dance, the correct one this time. Minhyun gave him a sympathetic look before they began Sleep Talking's complicated first move.

Ren sat on the floor beside Minhyun in position for Sleep Talking's first move, his head down. He was looking at the floor, not really seeing it by this point but attempting to practice regardless of how he felt. It didn't really matter, did it? With a sigh he began dancing when all of the other members sprang to life at JR's cue.

Ren did his solo lines in the song, his voice barely above a dull monotone. The managers just shook their heads in frustration but didn't comment. The singer felt his face flush but continued to sing. Seong gave him a thumbs up which he ignored - he wasn't in the mood for false idealism.

When the dance picked up again Ren didn't see JR directly beside him - he swung his arm in time to the dance and hit the leader in the head, knocking him back. Ren gasped as he realized what he had just done, fully expecting to get yelled at by his hyung. To his dismay, JR simply stared at him, hand on his head. “Minki, what's wrong with you today?”

Ren apologized quickly, no other words coming to him. The manager stepped forward and give the youngest member a glare. “Ren, you've messed up the choreography twice now. Do you not know it? Have all of the weeks of training we've been doing really had so little effect?”

“I know the dance manager hyung. I'm just.. distracted today.”

“ I can tell. You haven't paid any attention to what you've been doing, have you? And now you've gone and given Jonghyun a concussion.”

“Actually, my head is fine.” JR mumbled, his voice annoyed. Ren thought that his annoyance was directed at him, then he noticed that the leader's gaze was firmly on the manager. “Stop being so hard on Minki. He had a bad day yesterday.”

Unwilling to get into a fight with the intimidating leader, the manager walked away, uttering a string of angry curses but not giving the members another look as he retreated. Ren gave JR an appreciative look then lowered his gaze down to the floor in slight embarrassment. “You didn't have to protect me.”

“No, I didn't. But I wanted to. Manger-hyung has had a stick up his ass all day, and I'm getting sick of it. He deserved to be told off.” JR hit his youngest dongsaeng on the shoulder lightly. “Now smile, or tell me why you're so out of it today.”

“I read some stuff on twitter about me being androgynous.”

“So? We've dealt with that since debut, Ren. Why does it suddenly matter more to you?”

“Because, I'm not a girl, JR. I'm a guy, regardless of how the fuck I look.” Ren's eyes widened - he had surprised himself with his sudden outburst. Seong gave him a disapproving look and he glanced at the ground for what felt like the thousandth time that morning.

“Minki, you've known since debut that these comments were going to come.”

“Yeah, but I didn't think that they were going to start hurting our reputation.”

“Why would you say that? I haven't seen any indication that sales of anything are going down at all. We're doing fine, Renny.”

Ren didn't respond, he simply grabbed his phone from Seong's purse and pulled up twitter, searching for the string of comments that had ruined his day. He found them quickly due to the still growing chain or retweets and handed the phone to the leader.

JR's jaw tightened as he read some of the more disrespectful comments about his youngest band-mate. His natural protective nature as the leader took over and his fingers gripped the phone harder than he meant to. This wasn't lost on Ren who laid a gentle hand on his hyung's shoulder. “What is it, JR?”

“I don't know what to say about this. This is bullshit. Why the hell does it matter if you don't completely look your gender - that's not hurting anybody. Its your goddamned choice to dress and look how you want.”

“JR!” Baekho called from the floor beside JR's feet. “Language. Seriously, I know you're pissed but tone down the cursing.”

“Fuck off Baekho. You know that you have quite the mouth on you when you're mad.”

Baekho didn't respond - he knew that when the leader was in a bad mood, there would be no reasoning with him without getting his head bitten off. Plus, be had a point.

JR took a deep breath, willing himself to calm down. It was never good for himself or his band when he got riled up like this. “I'm sorry, Baekho. I should have thought more about what was about to come out of my mouth.” He turned to Ren and gave him a sympathetic, if not a tad apologetic look. “Ren, there are more comments that I'm sure you haven't seen. They're not good - some of them are downright degrading and insulting. But before you get yourself worked up again, listen to me. Your image is not hurting Nu'Est. You're free to be yourself.”

“Those comments say otherwise, don't they?”

“Yeah. But we're not worried about what people who aren't really fans say. If they really supported Nu'Est, they would support all of us. Don't worry about what some people say - pay attention to what the one's who actually care about you say.”

“I told him that, but he didn't listen. Maybe hearing it from his leader will help some.” Seong smiled as she took Ren's hand. He squeezed it gently, ignoring a mocking look from Minhyun.

JR smiled shyly and nodded. “Yeah. Minki is kind of hard headed sometimes, but you probably know that better than us by this point.”

“I'm right here, and I'm not hard headed.” Ren defended, a slight blush coloring his neck and cheeks.

JR smirked as he ran a hand through his long bangs. “Sure you're not Ren. But anyway, I think we should cut practice short today - let's go get something to eat.”

The manager, who had been silent up until that point, walked furiously towards JR and grabbed the leader by the front of his shirt. “Are you crazy, Jonghyun? You have a comeback in a few weeks. This isn't the time to be taking days off and getting lazy. Its the time to amp up and practice harder!”

JR's fist clenched at his side and it took everything he had not to punch the manger in the face right then and there. Instead, with his gaze too calm, he met the managers gaze with his own dark brown eyes. “First of all, I suggest that you let me go.” The manager did as instructed, releasing JR's shirt and taking an appropriate step back. JR nodded in satisfaction before sighing deeply. “Second of all, I'm the leader of these guys, and I take care of my boys. They're all tired and Ren's head isn't in the game. He's not going to learn anything by being forced to stay here when he has no chance of focusing. I'm gonna take them out so that he can calm down some so tomorrow will be more productive. Are we clear?”

The manger shook his head. “Fine, do whatever you want. I couldn't stop you anyway, not without you making a claim to the director about me prohibiting you from leaving against your will. So go, but be back here at the same time tomorrow, or we will have a problem.”

JR didn't respond he just gestured to the door and began walking towards it, his members and Seong following closely behind. Seong walked faster to match her pace with Ren's and he wound his hand through hers with a small smile. They made it out of the huge company building at back outside into the bright afternoon light.

The beautiful setting was interrupted by the all too familiar flash of cameras and Minki instinctively pulled his hand away from Seong's, glaring at the reporters who had appeared in front of them. With one last look, Ren pulled Seong to him and pushed her face into his side, hiding her from the view of the cameras.

He walked quickly, ignoring the hands grabbing at him and the voices begging him to give them the latest scoop on his life. when the couple arrived at Seong's car, he quickly pushed his girlfriend into the car, allowing her to get in first as he went around to the driver's side. He put the keys in the ignition and sped off at a speed that probably wasn't legal, leaving the reporters in the dirt.

Nu'Est was scheduled for an interview, and Ren was terrified. It was two days after being spotted by reporters at the Pledis company building, and if Ren had been avoiding social media before, he was never going back on it at this point. JR had told him not to worry too much, but he couldn't help it. He had seen what the media could do to twist relationships, and he wasn't prepared to lose Seong due to something like that.

He wasn't naive - he knew that there had been far too many reporters waiting for them for him to fully have been able to protect Seong from all of their views - at least one of them had to have gotten a picture of her face, compromising her identity.

He also knew how these interviews worked - the hosts purposely asked questions that would be difficult or revealing for the members to answer, so that they could get any scoop into the lives of celebrities to boost their ratings.

With a sigh Ren buttoned up his white shirt and pulled a black jacket over it, before looking into the mirror. He had his hair tied in a bun at his nape, and a short gold chain hanging from his neck. He looked at least presentable, not that he cared very much how he looked for this one particular interview.

Five minutes later the manager hurriedly shooed him out of his room and into the waiting van, reprimanding Ren for taking too long and risking that they arrive late to the interview.

“So Ren, the next question is for you.” The interviewer smiled, and Ren returned the expression, even though he felt it turning into a grimace. “There were some pictures leaked on the internet a few days ago, of you and a young woman. In one of the pictures you were holding her hand, and then the next shows you holding her close to your side. Can I ask if she's your girlfriend?”

 

Ren laughed nervously and Aron laid a comforting hand on his shoulder, giving him an encouraging look when he caught his gaze. He nodded and turned back to the interviewer. “She is.”

The interviewer's eyes widened in surprise. “So you have a girlfriend?”

“Yes sir.”

“Are you aware that their are rumors that you're gay? Some of them suggest that you're in a relationship with your band-mate JR? You're crushing that rumor today?”

“I was aware that there were rumors about my sexuality, yes. I didn't know that they suggested that I was in a relationship with JR.”

“There are, I'll show you them if you want. But since you're crushing that rumor, how long have you and your girlfriend been in a relationship?”

“We started dating when we were fifteen, but we've known each other since we were born.”

“Oh, so you were childhood friends?”

“Yes, so were our mothers.”

“When did you first realize that you were attracted to her?”

“Well, I always sort of had a crush on her, but I didn't know that at first - I thought I was just really close to her because I'd known her for so long. Then when we got into middle school and she started growing up, I realized that she was beautiful.”

“When you say she “grew up”, you mean her body matured, as in she developed..” the host stopped talking and gestured towards his chest. Ren caught the meaning and laughed a little bit, blushing as he looked down.

“I didn't base my feelings on her chest size.”

“Are you saying that you don't like breasts?”

“What? No. I just said -”

“Ren, are you gay?”

JR grabbed Ren by the collar before he could jump out of his seat. The leader knew that this host had a habit of asking personal questions in a very forthright and insensitive way, and also twisting the words of the celebrities to make the question and response all the more juicy. He had hoped that he wouldn't do that to Ren, but had been prepared just in case.

Ren struggled against the older member's grip, but couldn't break free. By this point he was sure that the directors of the show had called cut, but it wouldn't have mattered anyway - the show was broadcast live, and the whole of South Korea that had been watching had already seen his outburst.

He stopped struggling when he saw the expressions on his band-mates faces. He could do nothing by getting angry - it would only give critics more to talk about if he couldn't contain his anger and continued acting out. With a huff of intense anger, he relaxed and JR knew that he was trying to calm down. He released his hold on Minki's collar and sat back, waiting with baited breath as the host sat in his seat, staring at them in shock. “I'm sorry about that Ren, that was rude of me.”

“Yeah, it was.” Ren muttered, unable to control the venom that seeped into his words.

“I think that we should.. call off the rest of this interview. I'm not sure if any of you have anything else you'd like to say to me.”

“You're kind of a dick.” Aron said and gave the reporter a glare before standing up. “We'd leave even if you hadn't given us permission.”  
Seong sat on the couch of her apartment in shock as the broadcast of Nu'Est's interview was cut off abruptly without warning. The host had insensitively questioned Ren's sexuality with absolutely no reason to other than his own personal speculation. She couldn't blame Ren for his reaction, even though he had reacted more strongly than she thought that he normally would have. He was typically so much more calm and forgiving, but he had instantly gotten angry at the host's comments and she was positive that if JR hadn't grabbed him by the shirt, he would have gone to extreme lengths to shut the host up.

She was worried about him, but he hadn't been answering his phone. She called the other members, but they weren't picking up either.

With nothing better to do, Seong went onto her social media to catch up. What she found on Twitter surprised her so much that she dropped her phone on the floor. It was a picture of Ren, but it wasn't just him. In the picture he was kissing JR.

Seong knew that she shouldn't believe it, but it wasn't the only one. Surely people didn't have enough time to Photoshop all of those pictures? There were too many, each becoming increasingly graphic in its depiction of her boyfriend with his leader.

Then she read the comments on some of the pictures, and she felt her heart sink into her stomach like an anchor. It was at that terrible moment that she heard the door to her apartment open and footsteps loud enough to be heard even though they were coming across carpet. Before she knew it, lips were being crushed against hers and instead of being taken over by the familiar kiss, she struggled against the hands that had found their way to her hips.

Seong pushed Ren away hard enough where he nearly stepped on the phone that she hadn't picked up. He looked down at the floor and saw a picture of him kissing JR. His face fell and and he stared at Seong, his face instantly paling. “You know this is photoshopped, right?”

She shook her head once. “I thought that at first, but why are there so many of them? And look at this!” her voice raised louder than she meant it to as she grabbed her phone from beside Ren's foot before thrusting it into his hands. He read the comment, feeling his fists clench at his side with each word.

'Just because Ren was with a girl, does not mean that he's straight. I'm sorry for all of the fangirls who just can't accept that he's gayer than a circle, but he's not interested in women. He's probably just using her as a cover up to hide his feelings for JR. Look at all of the videos of them acting gay together under the pretense that it's just “skinship” I'm sorry, but last time I checked, skinship doesn't involve making out with a band-mate at any chance you get. I think he's in love with JR and if this girl really is someone that he's dating, I feel bad for her honestly.'

Ren's hands were shaking as he gripped the phone, his gaze slowly turning back to Seong. She was staring at him with an unreadable expression on her face, and he searched her eyes, searching for some sign that she didn't completely believe the rumor that she was seeing about him. Dammit, their relationship was stronger than that, wasn't it?

But as he he caught her gaze, he began to wonder if that was the truth. She was staring at him as if she didn't recognize him, and he realized that it was because of the conversation that they had in the car. She didn't know his Ren personality - he wasn't the same person as he was when he was himself. She didn't know if Ren was capable of cheating on her and using her as a cover up for a relationship with a man.

He had no words to reason with her, but he had to try anyway regardless. He couldn't just give up and let her go without a fight because dammit she was worth it. “Seong, you can't really believe this crap. Look at me.” He tried to grab her face to turn her head towards him, but she kept moving and refused to let him get his hand near her.

“I wouldn't believe it, but why did you react so strongly on that interview, Minki? You and I both know that you've been asked that question a lot - why did it affect you so badly today?”

“Did you not hear how he asked me, Seong? He was asking me that because I don't love you for your boobs. Did you want me to tell him that was the only reason that I fell for you?”

“You know you've been asked if you're gay in worse ways before, and you always responded to them with a smile and told them that you have a girlfriend. You were more defensive, and I know why.”

“Because its true, Ren! You're in love with JR. Why else would you get so defensive when he named names, instead of just asking if you were interested in men? He implicated JR and you went off.”

“Why would you believe that I love JR in that way?”

“You touch each other all of the time, hell sometimes you touch him more than you touch me.”

“You know that isn't true.”

“Do I, Ren?” Seong countered, using his stage-name like a sword. The implication of her using that name stabbed into his heart like a sword and he gasped like his chest really had been pierced. “Its been a long time coming, really. I told you that I don't recognize you when you step off of that stage. You've changed so much even though I've been beside through the entire thing. I really don't know who you are at all anymore.”

Ren's heart ceased beating entirely and he took a step back. “You're not really breaking up with me, are you?”

Seong looked down at the ground. “Yes, I really am. I'm sorry Ren.” She didn't look up until she heard the door to her apartment slam. Seong raised her head up slowly, allowing the tears to stream from her eyes freely as her heart slowly broke because she had just broken the heart of the love of her life, and her best friend.

Ren didn't make it very far before a choked sob escaped his mouth against his will. He covered his mouth with his hand, trying to cover up the choked sounds but failing miserably. He stumbled blindly in the direction of Nu'Est's dorm, his legs weak and eyesight obscured by unshed tears. By some miracle he reached the dorm and got inside without being spotted or asked any questions by people on the street who wanted to know why he looked like he was about to cry. But once he was inside the dorm and saw Aron sitting on the couch watching a movie, the dam that was barely containing his raging emotions broke, and the current of tears that he had been suppressing ran down his face freely.

Aron shot up from the couch and enveloped the maknae in a hug, instinct controlling his mind as he rubbed his friend's back. Ren didn't reciprocate the hug, instead he just stood there as stationary as a wall. It wasn't long before the rest of the members came into the living room, various expressions of shock on their faces. All except for JR who watched the entire ordeal with guilt written clearly on his face. He had saw the pictures - he had posted on his twitter asking people to stop photoshopping those pictures, but they hadn't. And now Ren had come home from Seong's house crying, and he knew, he just knew that she had broken up with him because of the pictures.

He hated seeing Ren heartbroken because of him, but there was nothing that he could do to take away his friend's pain. Instead he went back to his room and locked the door, throwing himself down on his bed and grabbing his phone and headphones. He stared at the ceiling and blasted music to drown out the sounds of Ren's heart wrenching sobs that he couldn't help but feel like he was fully responsible for and soon fell into a restless sleep.

Two weeks passed and it was obvious to Ren's band-mates that he was far from okay. He refused to come out of his room other than to eat and use the bathroom, unless they had practice. His dancing and singing were as lifeless as his eyes, which were near devoid of emotion. He barely spoke to the members outside of what was necessary, and none of them could take the near silent state that the door stayed in constantly. As much as Baekho and Minhyun had messed with him about being a chatterbox, they missed their noisy friend.

As much as they hated attaching more labels to the poor kid, they all knew in their hearts that the only diagnosis for Ren's sudden change in behavior was depression. He slept half of the time that they weren't practicing and spent the other half of the time struggling like hell to fall asleep. He ate but it was only when the members knocked on his bedroom door and reminded him to, then he went straight back to his room and locked the door.

It was weighing the most heavily on JR, whose guilt was causing his already hard to contain temper to erupt. He spent a lot of his angry energy by working out at the gym. It kept him from blowing up on one of the members or the manger, but it could't take away the guilty feeling in his heart. In a rare moment where Ren had spoken since the breakup with Seong, Ren tried to assure JR that he didn't blame him for what happened, but the leader couldn't help but feel that he was just saying that to spare him the guilt.

It was that guilt that led him to Ren's door. He knocked on it lightly, and at first received no answer. Just as he was about to turn away, a quiet reply came from within. “Yeah?”

“Can I come in?” JR asked cautiously, expecting to be told no. A few heartbeats later he heard the door being unlocked from the other side, and then there was Ren, his long black hair disheveled and eyes slightly puffy. He had been crying again - it didn't take a genius to figure that out.

Ren sighed impatiently when JR didn't say anything. “What is it, Jonghyun?”

“Can we talk?”

Ren nodded and stepped aside, granting JR access to the room. The leader stepped into the normally neat space and found it in disarray, something unusual on its own. Ren sat down on the bed and JR took a seat beside him. Neither spoke for a few minutes until surprisingly, it was Ren who broke the silence. “You still blame yourself, don't you?”

“I can't help it. It was pictures of us that made her break up with you.”

“Yeah, but they were photoshopped. We've never kissed each other.”

“Doesn't mean that we haven't thought about it.” JR's eyes widened. He hadn't meant to let that slip out, but it was true.

“Seong doesn't know that I'm bisexual.”

Now that was a new piece of information that JR hadn't been aware of. “You never told her? Better yet, she's known you since you were born. How could she not know?”

“I didn't even know until about a year after we started dating, and I didn't really want to bring up that I realized I like dudes to my girlfriend. I thought it would scare her off... a bit like those pictures did I guess.” Ren laughed bitterly and shook his head.

JR sighed. “I know you're upset Ren, but we're worried about you.”

“I'm fine.”

“Are you though? You barely come out of your room except for when you have to. This is the most we've spoken since she broke up with you.”

“I said I'm fine, JR.”

“I know that you say that you're alright, but that doesn't mean that you really are, Minki.”

“Well, I am. Maybe you should learn how to trust me. I think I know when I'm okay or not.”

“If you think you're alright you're lying to yourself.”

“Will you just butt out? I'm fine - drop it already.” Ren sighed in exhaustion, even though he was more mentally tired than physically. He laid down on his bed and closed his eyes. JR stood in place until he realized that Ren was waiting for him to leave. He sighed and obliged, closing Ren's door behind him. Only once he was gone did Ren lock the door and reach under his bed for the bottle of soju that he had stored under there in hopes of hiding it from his members. He had stolen it from Aron's liquor cabinet when the oldest member had left it unlocked.

He uncapped it and took a long swig, wincing at the burning sensation that it caused. His mind wandered back to the comments that seemed like they had bothered him so long ago about him looking like a girl. He had Seong to help him cope during that time, and now he was completely alone, left to read the comments against him by himself with no one to lessen the blow.

The comments had only gotten worse. Now they weren't just talking about him as a person. No, they were threatening his life. People who thought that he was gay or anything other than completely straight had been sending him death threats, threatening to kill him if they ever met him in person. He was terrified for his life and that was part of the reason that he barely came out of his room. It wasn't all because of Seong, even though he couldn't lie to himself and say that he wasn't depressed. He avoided the members because he knew that they would want him to see a counselor to get himself checked out so that he could get back to normal,but Ren couldn't see his life ever being normal again.

He had never considered suicide before, but as he sat on the floor of his dark room, locked away by himself, he felt like just maybe ending it all was the best option. With a shuddering breath he took another sip of the soju before putting the cap on and crawling back into bed to listen to some Lady Gaga to get his mind off of things. Even his favorite singer couldn't cheer up his dark mood.

Sleep mercifully claimed him a few moments later, but his sleep was far from restful. He dreamed of Seong leading a mob of people to Nu'Est's dorm and helping them kill him. He couldn't wake up and was forced to watch and feel it as the woman he loved ended his life.

But maybe dying wasn't so bad


	2. Falling Apart

There was alcohol on his breath, and he was sure that it must have permeated the air around him like a stinking, suffocating cloud. He hadn't meant to drink that much because he knew that if had taken too much or his bandmate's liquor from his cabinet, he would find out and skin him alive.

That hadn't stopped him from completely losing control and cleaning the cabinet out of whatever was in it while the dorm was otherwise silent as the other members slept in relative peace. Ren had been left alone, his emotions in a tidal wave - he didn't know if he was sad or unfeeling, and honestly, he hadn't been able to find it in himself enough to care.

He had known that they had practice the next morning, but the rational part of him had been outweighed by the part of him that needed a quick fix to his pain, to forget all of the suffering he had been put through in the weeks past. And now here he was, sitting in the cramped and hot company van, on his way to practice with an ungodly hangover.

His head pounded like a bass drum and he felt nauseous, but he had still tried to eat breakfast so that he could at least appear like he was okay. He was able to hold it down until they started practicing, and the loud music, heat, and demanding dance moves unsettled his stomach and he found himself on his knees, heaving the contents of his stomach up onto the hardwood floor.

He held his hand up to stop the worried members from approaching him. Aron met his gaze when he was finished and sighed. “Ren, you're not sick. You're hungover, aren't you?”

“I had a little bit to drink last night.”

“A little bit? You cleaned out my entire fucking cabinet.”

Ren looked away and Aron shook his head. “I'm not mad about the liquor - I can buy more. I'm worried about you, Minki. I know you're smarter than that. There's no way in hell that you thought it was a good idea to get drunk knowing that we had practice the next morning.”

“I didn't get drunk on purpose.”

“Yeah, well what did you think would happen?”

“I don't know! I wasn't thinking, okay? Don't act like you've never showed up to practice hungover.”

“I didn't say that I haven't. Believe me, I know how many times I've done it. But you're also not me. You're more rational, hell more careful than me. That's why I'm concerned - it's normal for me, and unheard of from you.”

“There's a first for everything, right?” Ren knew that it was a petty move, but it was the only thing that he had left. He knew the comment had done its ob when Aron let out a long suffering sigh and turned his back to Ren. JR stepped forward, his leader mode activated.

“Arguing won't do anything to fix the problem now. I'll go tell the manager that we need to take you home.”

“No way! This will be the second time that we've called off practice early because of me in the last month.”

“Ren.” JR's voice was stern - he only used that tone of voice when there would be absolutely no bargaining with him. “Can you practice like this without puking across more of the floor?”

“Probably not.” Ren's words were seconded when his stomach gave another lurch and his hand flew to his mouth. He closed his eyes until the wave of nausea passed before meeting JR's gaze again.

“I thought so. We're going home, and that's final.”

An hour later, JR had gotten Ren back in the bed to sleep off the rest of his hangover and had situated himself on the couch. The leader was biting his lip as he scrolled through the contacts on his phone until the name that he was looking for popped up - Seong. He clicked her name and placed the speaker against his ear, his heart racing in his chest as he waited for her to pick up. It got to the third ring and he began to think that she wasn't going to pick up until the ringing stopped.

“Hello?” The voice on the other end was snippy and tired sounding, and JR began to wonder if he had woken her up. Shit - just what he needed to make this conversation even more awkward.

“This is JR. I know that I'm probably the last person that you want to talk to right now, but I really need you to hear me out. It'.s about Minki.”

“I don't want to talk about him.”

“I figured that much. But if you ever cared about him, and I know that you did, you'll listen. He went to practice drunk this morning.”

“He doesn't drink.”

“Not normally, no. Bu since you broke up with him, it's become a regular habit of his, but he hadn't managed to get drunk yet. He didn't care, Seong. He knew that we had practice today, but he still got drunk. Does that sound like the person you know?”

“I don't know the same person as you do, so I really couldn't say.”

“When will you wrap your head around the fact that he's both Ren and Minki? They're the same person, they just act differently. You know that he doesn't like drinking very much, whoever the hell you think he really is.”

Seong had a sarcastic comment on the tip of her tongue, but she felt it slip away when she heard the genuine concern in JR's face. It was now obvious to her that he was seriously worried about the possible implications of Ren getting drunk meant. Even then, she knew what he wanted her to do, but she couldn't bring herself to see Ren - not yet, not when his betrayal was still fresh in her mind. “I think I know what you're about to suggest, but I can't. I can't see him yet. You have to give me time. It still hurts too much to think about him, let alone see him.”

JR took a deep breath. He had been expecting the answer, but that didn't lessen the disappointment that he felt at actually getting it. “Yeah, I thought so. Thanks anyway.” T

“Hey JR?”

“Hm?”

“Try and take care of him? I.. couldn't live with myself if something actually happened to him.”

“I'll try my best.”

Ren stood in front of the bathroom mirror, staring at his long hair in distaste. He was getting tired of losing so much hair in the shower and clogging the drain, and waking up to find so much hair on his pillow that it looked like a cat had died. He knew that wasn't the only reason that he had the scissors in his hand, but he wanted to believe that this was completely his choice and just some simple change of fashion.

His hand was really guided by his desire to end the comments about his gender. While most of the comments about his sexuality had abated since he hadn't posted any more pictures with Seong, the rumors about his gender had gotten to the point that he couldn't go outside without someone recognizing him and asking him if he was really male. It was driving him crazy, and he hated feeling like he couldn't be himself, but if cutting his hair would make the comments end, then he would try anything at this point.

He grabbed one side of his hair and sighed deeply as he snipped it. The hair fell into the sink. He did the same with the other side until his hair was a good few inches shorter than it had been. It still was by no means short, but it wasn't as long either. He looked a little bit more masculine with his hair cut to his jaw, and surprisingly, he found the feeling empowering. He could choose to look more feminine or masculine just by making a simple change to his hairstyle.

He wasn't done yet. He couldn't stand to change his hairstyle without changing the color as well. He brushed his newly cut hair through with a brush, then opened the box of brown hair dye. He didn't even have to read the directions - he had dyed his hair enough in his career to know exactly what he was supposed to do.

Fifteen minutes later, he was in the shower washing out the dye. He watched as it whirled down the drain in a cloudy brown tidal wave. When the water began running clear, he stepped out of the shower and grabbed a towel. His mind wandered back to the last time that he had dyed his hair and ruined Seong's towel - he had never apologized for ruining another one. She was sure to have found it and gotten appropriately angry by this point, and he wasn't there to promise to buy her another set to make up for it. The realization made his chest tighten and he closed his eyes against the tears pricking behind his closed eyelids.

With a sigh walked towards the mirror and stared at his handiwork. His hair was disheveled from being wet and freshly washed, but he could already see a difference in the shade of his hair despite the wetness. He smiled slightly as he collected the hair that he had cut from the sink and threw it into the trash.

He then proceeded to step two of his plan and got dressed in his favorite all black outfit. He did his makeup quickly, making sure to go light on the color of his lips and the darkness of his eyeliner, opting to use nude colors. He succeeded in making himself look more like a guy, and that made him happy.

He grabbed his phone and snapped a few photos of himself doing different poses and posted one to twitter. He didn't know what he was trying to prove, but he wanted to see if people still said the same things that they did when his hair was longer. He wasn't sure how much of a change cutting his hair would cause, but there had to be some improvement, right?

Ren couldn't have been more wrong. Within minutes, there were comments on his pictures that made his heart sink lower than it already had if that were possible. Some of the comments were worse than they had been before. It took everything he had not to throw his phone against the wall and watch it shatter into thousands of pieces, just like his sanity.

He couldn't please anybody, so maybe there really was no point in trying.

 

Ren didn't know why he wanted to go home, but he did. There was something comforting about the thought of being hugged by his mother, to hear her tell him that it would be okay. JR had managed to get the okay from the manager and company director to let Ren have a break. The leader had been worried about Ren going on his own, but he had managed to assure him that he would be perfectly okay to get back home on his own.

He had decided to take the bus route to Busan. It would take a little bit longer than driving would, but it would give him more time to think. Rather than thinking, he ended up falling asleep until the bus driver announced that they had arrived in Busan. He had kind of defeated the purpose of not driving, but if he had fallen asleep on the noisy bus, he didn't want to think about what could have happened if had chosen to drive instead.

He quickly exited the bus and made the short walk through the familiar streets of Busan until he came to his childhood home. He smiled when he realized that it was exactly the same - his dad was supposed to fix the broken step, but when Ren got to it, he felt it almost give under his weight and jumped up to the next stair quickly.

He threw open the front door and took one step inside. His mom was sitting on the couch and she smiled when she saw him. She stood up quickly when she saw her son and wrapped him in a firm embrace. “Minki, its so good to have you home, even if you're only here for a few days.” She took a step back to appraise him and bit her lip when she noticed how he looked. “You look... very pretty, son.”

“Do you have a problem with how I look?”

“You look a little bit like a girl. It's not necessarily a bad thing, but I'm afraid that it might make people.. wonder about you.”

Ren sighed. Somehow his mom had hit the nail on the head. “Yeah, you really have no idea, mom.”

His mom cast him a sympathetic look and kissed his cheek. “Your father might say something, but I still love you however you look, as long as you're happy.”

Ren nodded and smiled genuinely for the first time since Seong had broken up with him. “Thanks, mom.”

“It's not a problem Minnie. Now how are you and Seong?” Ren's face fell, and his mother released a long sigh. “You're not together anymore, are you?”

“We broke up about three weeks ago. There was a really stupid rumor about me, and for some reason, she believed it and she broke up with me.”

“You loved each other so much. Didn't you at least try to reason with her?”

“Of course I did, but she wouldn't listen. I haven't spoken to her since.”

“Do you want me to call her?”

"No. If she wanted to talk, she would have called me already. Will you please drop it?"

His mom gave him a sad smile but nodded anyway. "Sure. Have you eaten?" Ren paled and shook his head. His mother gave him a disapproving look. “You haven't been eating very much, have you?” She went straight to the kitchen and began preparing lunch for her son who smiled gratefully and sat on the living room couch. He soon fell asleep, and when the food was done, his mother simply sighed and covered him up with a blanket before planting a kiss on his cheek.

Ren awoke to the sound of his parents arguing, something entirely unusual in itself. He had only heard the two of them fight a handful of times during his entire childhood, and what made this time worse was that he heard continuous mentions of his name in his father's angry not quite yell. He rolled over onto his side and strained his ears to hear what his parents were saying. He managed to make out a few words, and none of them were reassuring.

“We had a son. We sent him off and he comes back looking like that - like some damn girl.” Ren's heart rose up into his throat as his mom yelled something back at his father, but he couldn't hear what she said over the roaring in his ears.

He felt physically sick and for a moment regretted not eating before falling asleep because he didn't have anything in his stomach to throw up. He had come home to his parents for consolation, and now here his father was talking about him while he thought that Ren was sleeping.

Ren heard more words being said, but he tuned them out as he buried his face into the couch cushion, fighting back the tears quickly springing to his eyes. He wouldn't cry - if his father felt like that about him, then he wasn't worth Ren's time. Crying over his father's opinions would prove that he cared, and he didn't care, did he?

When a choked sob escaped Ren's lips, he knew that he had answered his own question. He cared very much about what his father thought about him because he had always respected his father highly, despite his overly high expectations for his son. He had always known that his father had severe opinions when it came to how a man should look, but Ren had always thought that regardless of how he looked, his dad would never stop loving him. But that was what the fight sounded like it was over - how he was disappointed in him despite his growing success with Nu'Est. Ren could never be good enough to please him.

Fury and hurt spurred Ren into action as he stood up from the couch, causing the blanket his mother had covered him up with to fall onto the floor. He silently thanked his mother for her caring heart, then stormed into the kitchen where he heard his parents arguing. His father immediately stopped talking when he realized that Ren was awake, and his eyes bugged at the sight of his crying and obviously angry son.

“Minki.” he began, his voice shocked and almost... apologetic.

“Don't bother,” Ren said warningly as he wiped a hand across his face to brush away the tears. “I've been awake for awhile now, dad. I heard everything. I know what you really think about me, so don't worry. I'll find my way back to my dorm. Mom, I'll call you later. “

Without another glance back in his shocked parent's directions, Ren made his way out of the house, throwing the front door open as quickly as he could, not bothering to shut it. He got to the broken front step and jumped over it, not caring how hard he landed on the pavement below.

Ren hadn't realized that he was still crying until his eyesight was fogged up by the tears. He wiped them away furiously as he walked in a straight line away from his parent's house, not really sure where he was going but just knowing that he wanted to be anywhere but there.

He pulled out his phone and his fingers lingered over the one number that he didn't want to call, but knew that he had to. He wasn't even sure if she would pick up - it was late, and he knew that she had school the next day. But he still had to try.

The dial tone began ringing, and Ren's heart beat faster. He silently begged for her to pick up. A few seconds later, he heard a click and knew that his call had been picked up.

“Hello?” Came the sleep-tinged reply and Ren felt himself relax, even if just a little.

“It's Minki.” he muttered quietly, crying affecting the way his voice sounded.

“Are you crying?” he could hear the concern in Seong's voice, and it made something in his heart jump. She still cared about him, even if it was just about his well-being.

“Can you come and get me?” he knew that it was a bold request, but he needed her.

“Where are you?”

“Busan. I'll walk to the subway station. Can you meet me there?”

“I'll be there as soon as I can.”

Seong arrived at the subway station and found Ren leaning against a wall with his eyes closed. She touched his shoulder lightly, causing his eyes to flutter open. He gave her a weak smile and she led him to her car before shutting the door and getting in herself. He had fallen asleep with no explanation minutes later, and it was only then that she noticed how tired and worn he looked. His hair was also shorter and lighter, and she wondered when that had happened.

She drove him back to Nu'Est's dorm in a daze, the time seeming to pass by in a blur. She had called JR to tell him that she was bringing Ren home, and he had agreed to stay awake to let her in. Sure enough, when she pulled up to the dorm, the leader was sitting outside in a chair with his head laid against the house. He blinked his eyes open when the bright lights of Seong's car shone into his face.

He gave her a tiny smile as he opened the car door and pulled the still half asleep Ren into a standing position and led him to the dorm, turning back around to wave at Seong as she pulled away. With some effort, he managed to get Ren inside the dorm and into his bed before sighing and getting into his own. Worry filled his mind at what had caused Ren to come home after not even staying with his parents for a day and the look of pain that had been written clearly on his friend's face, even in sleep.

Ren awoke with dried tears on his face. He blinked the remaining moisture out of his eyes and sat up in bed, quickly realizing that he was in his room in Nu'Est's dorm, and not the living room of his parent's house. The memories of the night before came back to him in a rush, and more tears sprang to his eyes, but he fought them back.

With a sigh, he got out of bed and stumbled groggily to the bathroom. His hair was disheveled and his dark eyes puffy and tired looking, despite having just woken up. He ran a hand through his hair and winced as his father's comments ran through his brain again, causing a fresh wave of pain to course through his body.

He wasn't good enough to please Nu'Est's fans, hell he wasn't good enough to please his own parents. He really couldn't do anything right, so why should he keep trying? There wasn't a reason to keep fighting for approval, to keep caring what others thought if no matter what he did, he would never have been able to live up to the world's expectations for him.

A small laugh escaped him and he covered his mouth quickly, unsure of why he was laughing. It wasn't like him - the sound wasn't normal, and he wondered if he was beginning to have a mental breakdown. Huh, wouldn't that be great? He imagined the headlines for that one with a sarcastic smirk. 'Transvestite idol in a mental asylum after having a psychotic break' that would be just his luck, something more to ruin his already devastated reputation.

He laughed again against his will, a bit louder this time. At the same time, he realized that he was crying harder than he ever remembered crying before. He ran back to his room and dialed Seong's number, praying that she would be willing to talk to him again. He needed her to save him before he shattered into a billion pieces that could never be put back together.

“Minki, why do you keep calling me?” he hadn't even realized that she had picked up until he heard her angry voice on the other end.

“Seong, please. I need to talk to you - I know that I shouldn't be asking you because we're over, I know. But please give me a few minutes to talk to you. Just please.”

Seong was about to hang up, until she heard the desperation in his voice, and knew that he was crying. She had always had a weakness for him when he cried because it was so unusual for him to break down. “O-okay.” she agreed almost instantly.

“Meet me at the restaurant across from your apartment at seven.”

Seven o'clock rolled around quickly as Ren showered and changed into something presentable. He brushed his tangled hair, but didn't bother putting on makeup - he wasn't going out to please anyone. He just wanted to make things right. He'd been drinking for a few hours, once again “borrowing” some of Aron's liquor, this time not even caring if it was obvious that he had taken some. By this point, he wondered if his band-mate even cared. Why would anyone care about what someone like him did?

He was sure that he smelled like a drunk bum, but that was nothing that a bit of cologne couldn't fix. He squirted some of his favorite on his clothes, realizing as the scent wafted up to his nose that it was the one that Seong liked most on him as well. He smiled a little bit against his will before the cold reality hit him and he frowned again.

He checked his phone for the time, nearly dropping it as he read the time. It was already six forty-five, and he wasn't there. Ren walked quickly through the living room, not stopping to address the curious looks of his four hyungs as he walked by them. He was a man on a mission.

Ren arrived at the restaurant at 7:03, and saw Seong already sitting at the booth when he went inside the warm building. A waiter handed him a menu, and he ordered a salad, along with a bottle of soju. Seong gave him a distasteful look as she smelled his cologne from across the booth, mixed in with some other poorly masked but unmistakable scent.

“You've already been drinking tonight?” she asked quietly, and he just sighed.

“Yeah.”

“Why are you here, Minki?”

“I wanted to tell you that you were wrong. I've never kissed JR, I've never done anything with JR. He's my friend, like a brother to me.”

“How close you are to someone doesn't mean that those feelings can't turn into something else. Look at us - we were basically siblings, but we still ended up together.”

“Do you regret that we ended up together?”

“No. I regret that I put so much faith in you.”

Ren let out a tired breath. “You still believe that those pictures are real.”

“I don't know what I believe, Minki.” Seong was cut off by the waiter who gave them an apologetic smile as he set Ren's food out in front of him. Ren didn't bother eating, instead, he ended up grabbing the bottle and taking a long swig. He wasn't sure how much he had drank before coming to meet Seong, but he knew that he was definitely close to drunk already.

He continued to sip on the soju as Seong talked. Once half of the bottle was gone, he could barely comprehend her words, but it didn't frighten him. He enjoyed being numb - he couldn't think about all of the things that hurt him when he was like this.

The only thing that managed to break through the haze was the sound of cameras, many cameras snapping pictures, surrounding him and in his drunken state, making him feel trapped. He cast Seong a downcast glare, even though his vision doubled and suddenly there wasn't just one of her giving him a concerned look as her gaze darted from him and then around the small restaurant, seemingly searching for the source of the shutter noise.

Ren couldn't shake the feeling that it was all too damn convenient. He finally gets to the point that he needed Seong the most, and barely a few minutes into their meeting, it was being crashed by reporters. Somewhere in the back of his clouded mind he knew he was being irrational and jumping to conclusions, but that part wasn't dominant enough to quiet his fears.

Ren shook his head and cast his ex-girlfriend a look that he could only pray showcased the entire weight of betrayal and hurt he felt at her giving up his privacy like she so obviously had. He had trusted her despite their breakup, had trusted her because he had never known a time in his entire life that he hadn't trusted her. Clearly, that trust and their long past meant nothing to her if she had betrayed the one person that she promised to always be loyal to.

Seong wasn't inside of his head - she didn't understand the pointed looks that Minki was giving her, but at that moment, she realized that whatever pieces of her ex might have been left in the shell of him that becoming a member of Nu'Est had left him in, were gone and all that remained in his place was someone she didn't know at all.

Despite everything, despite the near hate-filled looks he was giving her, she knew that whatever happened, she couldn't let him out of her sight, lest he do something incredibly stupid. She watched him carefully as his brown eyes softened slightly, becoming more confused and frightened than angry. She realized that more of the alcohol must be taking effect and changing his judgment. She couldn't move in time as he cast her one final look, even though it didn't look like he saw her at all. He was out the door in an instant, like a startled cat trying to hide under a bed during a thunderstorm.

Only Ren wasn't running from a thunderstorm, he was running straight into the crowd of reporters that she knew all too well were waiting for him just outside of the restaurant's doors. Seong threw some money on the table, positive that it was entirely too much but not being able to find it in herself to care as the one she loved darted through the doors, obviously terrified and confused... lost even.

She ran in the direction that she hoped he had taken, ripping her arm away from a touchy reporter who tried to grab her for questioning about Ren. She was having none of it as she charged by the entire horde of people, desperate to catch up to Ren before he got into some sort of trouble.  
Ren stumbled blindly through the streets, no longer sure where he was or for that matter, who he was. The only thing that he could register was that he didn't feel normal. Whatever was going on with him was wrong. His vision should not be blurry, and the road sure as hell should not have looked like it was rushing to smack him in the face.

That's exactly what it did as Ren fell forward numbly, his stomach giving a lurch as he fell to his knees, expelling the contents of his stomach onto the pavement in front of him. A metallic scent filled the air, and in some quickly awakening part of his consciousness, he knew that he should not be coughing up blood. Blood was bad, and he could see even in the dim lighting that what he had thrown up was far more blood than alcohol.

Ren fell forward and vomited again, this time his vision going almost completely dark before slowly focusing again. He couldn't see through the tears in his gaze, the burning in his throat and the churning of his stomach causing him to roll as far away from the pile as possible before collapsing, too weak to move. He only hoped that he wouldn't have to throw up again because by that point he honestly wasn't sure whether or not he would have the strength to roll himself over so that he didn't suffocate.

A choked laugh that sounded more like a broken sob to his still hazy ears burst from his mouth as he realized fully the situation he had gotten himself into. He was in some alley god knows where throwing up blood. Using the last bit of his strength the singer reached into his back pocket for his phone, finally realizing how much his fingers were shaking as he tried to grasp the one thing that might be a lifeline to him.

He didn't know who he could call. The chances were that if something serious were wrong with him, none of the members of Nu'Est would be able to reach him in time to provide any sort of assistance. His mind wandered back to the one person who at this point in time, he really didn't want to see. Something in screamed that he should call emergency services, but he wasn't sure if he had enough strength to talk.

With Seong, it would be simple to alert her that something was wrong. Having known each other as long as they had, they had developed the makings of their own language at some point during their childhood. He wasn't sure anymore when it had started, but they had developed short words for important things, such as if one of them was in trouble and needed help.

He was sure that word would serve him well now as he typed their safe-word into his phone, fingers just barely managing to hit send before the shaking in his hand worsened and the phone fell from his grasp. His stomach continued to toss and he closed his eyes against overwhelming nausea, tears filling streaming from his eyes as he prayed that he would be able to keep it down. Moving was painful, but if he didn't move and he got sick, he would die.

He sent a silent prayer to whoever was listening that Seong would get to him in time and that he wouldn't die in that alley surrounded by his own vomit and God knows what else, crying alone having never made things right with the one person who despite her apparent betrayal, still meant the world to him.

Ren felt his vision blackening once again as the nauseous feeling that he had been experiencing reached an all-time high. He forced himself to roll over, not able to see where he was but having no time to think about it as he retched onto the pavement again, coughing and choking as he accidentally swallowed some of it. He managed to cough and spit it out before he asphyxiated, but the act caused the copper taste of blood to fill his mouth even stronger than before.

He slumped forward again, his head connecting with the pavement hard enough for him to see stars. He realized too late that he was passing out, the sudden injury to his head not even giving him enough time to make sure that he was rolled to a position where he wouldn't choke if he threw up again, before the darkness that he had been fighting finally took over. Silent tears trickled down his face as his world went black and he was aware no more.

Panic was one of the strongest human emotions. That much made itself well known to Seong as she frantically ran, covering more ground in those few minutes than she had covered in her entire life. She didn't know where Ren was, but she had a gut feeling that even in his drunken state, he had probably tried to go in the direction of Nu'Est's dorm. She could only pray that she was right, because if she wasn't, she was afraid that Ren was going to die. He had never used their word for help outside of the most extreme emergencies, and for the first time in at least five years, he had sent her a message with that very same word that instantly made her heart drop like lead into her already unsettled stomach.

She had already called for an ambulance, explaining to the woman on the other line that she was sure that someone was in trouble and would take full responsibility if it turned out to be a hoax. Deep in her heart she knew that it wasn't that simple. She told the rescuer that she would find where the injured person was and then call them back so that they could reach Ren.

Spurred by adrenaline, her feet pounded across the dark pavement until she found an alley. She had a fear of going into dark and shady looking places at night, but she would do it for Ren. She had always trusted her gut feeling, and at that moment it was telling her that Ren was there and that he needed her more than he ever had before.

The first thing that she noticed was the strong odor permeating the air of the alley. It smelled musty and uninviting like you would expect from a place where countless crimes had more than likely been committed, but that was overshadowed by a foul scent that made her stomach churn - she didn't have to guess that it was vomit. Vomit wasn't the only scent that caught her hyperaware attention - the unmistakable scent of blood hit her hard, and she stumbled forward blindly in the dark.

It was only then that she saw the crumpled heap lying on the ground, surrounded by puddles of what looked to be something red. Seong's heart broke when she noticed long black hair and she knelt down beside the collapsed figure, rolling him over so she could be sure that it was her Ren.

It was. A choked sob escaped her lips as she realized that her best friend and former boyfriend was deathly pale, his breathing shallow and labored. Not to mention that somewhere in her daze she had managed to place both scents together and knew that he had been vomiting blood.

She scooted behind him so that his head was in her lap. Trying to see through her tears she stroked his sweat drenched hair fondly, hoping to relax him some. His body stiffened as he coughed and she barely managed to turn him onto his side before more vomit splattered across the pavement. Seong rubbed his back carefully as she reached for her phone and called back the EMT. Her voice was low and dead sounding as she told them where they were. Ren retched again and more tears streamed from her eyes.

It felt like hours but it couldn't have been more than minutes when flashing red and blue lights assaulted her eyesight in the previous darkness of the alley. She barely registered it as someone pulled Ren off of her lap and wrapped her in a blanket before gently hauling her to her feet.

She's ushered into the ambulance, her spirit feeling like it's outside of her body. She briefly registers her informing the emergency personnel that Ren was an idol in a band and would need to be in a private room to avoid the publicity that she knew would severely damage Nu'Est's reputation. Her fingers seemed to act on their own accord as she dialed JR's number. She could barely understand his panic filled voice as she told him that Ren had been injured and was being transported to a hospital in Seoul. She hung up quickly, unable to handle the tears that she could already hear making the leader's voice deeper.

The only thing that broke into her haze was Ren, his dark brown eyes dazed and confused as he blinked them open and instantly reached for Seong's hand. She held it tightly, her heart breaking at how completely weak that his hold on her hand was. It killed her seeing him like this, but before she could find the words to apologize, he was saying the words that she wanted to say to him, his voice desperate and pleading despite obviously having no strength to be convincing. She had no idea what he was talking about, and could only attribute it to his drunken delirium and loss of blood causing him to say things that made absolutely no sense. She was the one who needed to apologize, for breaking his heart and leading him down a dark path that she hadn't even known that he had been traveling on ever since their sudden breakup.

Her earlier adrenaline began to wear off and she finally felt the full weight of the situation. Because she had jumped to conclusions and immediately assumed that Ren had been cheating on her without giving him a chance to explain, here he was in an ambulance, pale and very sick. His eyes were glazed as he fought to keep them open, to keep holding Seong's gaze. It was a losing battle, that much was obvious as his grip on Seong's wrist became even slacker.

Wanting to keep her hold on his hand, Seong tightened her own grip and it was only then that she realized how cold that his hand felt. There was no heat radiating from his body - it was like he was already dead. One of the EMT's working to stabilize Ren paused for a moment and cast her a sympathetic look. “He's freezing. The vomiting and loss of consciousness, as well as the lack of body heat, are all symptoms of alcohol poisoning. That's my guess as to what's wrong with him, but the doctor will have to professionally diagnose him. It's a good thing that you got to him when you did.”

Seong nodded, blinking back tears as she stroked Ren's cold hand. A few seconds later his eyes closed and her breath hitched in her throat. “Minki?”

The EMT put her fingers against Ren's neck, checking for a pulse. “He's alive, just unconscious.” The EMT gave Seong a curious look as something clicked in place. “You said he's an idol? I remember him now - Ren from Nu'Est, correct?”

“Yes.”

“This doesn't seem like something he would do at all - drinking himself to this point. I don't know him personally, but he's always seemed so bubbly and happy. I guess appearances can be deceiving.”

“He normally is happy. It's just that he's been going through some issues lately. Some “fans” of Nu'Est don't support his appearance and fan's opinions of him weigh heavily in his mind. And then... we broke up. This is really my fault - I knew what he was going through, but I still believed some stupid rumor. Of course, I still don't know if I'm convinced that it isn't true, but I didn't even give him a chance to explain. If I had, maybe he wouldn't have started drinking. He wouldn't be in this mess right now.” Seong didn't really know why she was spilling all of this information to the EMT, but she couldn't stop.

The woman gave her a gentle smile. “He seems like a fighter - I'm sure he'll pull through. You can let him explain everything first thing when he wakes up.”

Seong nodded and returned the smile, even though it didn't quite reach her eyes.

“He has alcohol poisoning. I'm guessing that he continued drinking even after he was drunk. Many lightweight people get drunk much faster than they expect so they continue drinking, not realizing that they're already drunk because the alcohol hasn't caught up with them. I'm also guessing that he didn't eat before he started the night. The prognosis is good, however. We're giving him an IV to prevent dehydration. He should regain consciousness in a few hours when some of the alcohol wears off.”

“Thank you, doctor.” The doctor gave Seong a knowing smile and nodded before walking out of the room and letting the door fall closed behind him. Seong laid her head on Ren's bed, feeling completely exhausted. She lifted it up after a moment and glanced across the room to where JR was sitting. The other members were in the lobby due to the hospital's two visitor at a time policy. JR had insisted on being the first one to visit.

The leader had his eyes closed, but Seong didn't have to guess that he wasn't asleep. He was probably just like her - wracked by worry and guilt, unable to sleep if his life depended on it. As if sensing Seong's gaze on him, JR opened his eyes and stared back before running a hand through his hair. “You alright?” he asked softly.

Seong shook her head in way of answer. “No. You?”

“Nope. I'm relieved to hear that he's okay, but I should have known that his problem was getting worse. It's my responsibility as the leader to know my members - to watch over them and know when something is wrong. Not that I didn't see it, I just didn't know what to do about it.”

“You knew what to do.” Seong felt like crying again when JR gave her a questioning look, so she proceeded with her guilty thoughts. “You tried to call me and tell me that something wasn't right with him, but I didn't care. I was too hurt and I refused to see him. If I hadn't been so hard-headed, we could have stopped this before it started. I'm.. sorry JR.”

Seong barely registered it as one minute JR was sitting on the couch, and the next minute he was standing in front of her, his arms wrapped tightly around her. Seong hugged JR back, unable to do anything else as tears streamed down her face. She could hear him whispering consolations to her, but she didn't want to hear them. After a moment, JR pulled away and looked her square in the eyes, his expression more serious than she ever remembered seeing it. “It's not your fault. Some people don't have anything better to do than try and make idols lives a living hell. It was only natural that you believed the rumor with everything else circulating.”

“I should have trusted him, though.”

“That's what you think, but that's why it hit you so hard. You trusted him too much and felt like he betrayed you. That's like a weapon of mass destruction and can tear apart any relationship. You reacted like anyone else would have, sadly it wasn't the reaction that Ren wanted.” JR gave her a concerned look before sighing. “You look like shit - sorry for being blunt. I'm going to go and update everyone about his condition. Try to get some sleep, will you?”

Seong nodded and watched as JR left the room, allowing the door to fall closed behind him. Suddenly feeling the true weight of her exhaustion, Seong blinked a few times to try and clear her vision. It didn't help and she knew that the only way to recover would be to give in and sleep. The couch looked completely uninviting and she knew that if she tried to sleep in the chair, her back would hurt so bad when she woke up that she wouldn't be able to move; the only option was to crawl into bed with Ren- the bed was plenty wide enough for her to sleep if she stayed pressed against his side.

Kicking off her shoes quickly, she gingerly sat on the bed, carefully avoiding the wires attached to Ren before laying on her side. Seong pressed her head against Ren's chest, listening to his heart beating steadily. Even though they had broken up, her position felt natural - like she was still designed to fit perfectly against his side. For just a moment, she didn't care about the turn that their relationship had taken - she didn't care about her loss of trust in him. Right at that moment, she wanted to be with him. She was lulled to sleep quickly by the melodic sound of Ren's heartbeat.

Ren woke up feeling like complete and utter shit.

His head pounded, and he was almost certain that his brain was going to break out of his skull, and his stomach felt like it was trying to reject anything that he had put in it since birth. Despite that, there was a pleasant weight settled against his chest and he looked down curiously to figure out what it was.

He was met with familiar rod-straight black hair fanned around a pretty face. It was Seong, and she was sleeping in a bed with him. The singer blinked a few times before opening his eyes again, convinced that what he was seeing had to be an illusion or the perfect dream. Seong was still there when he looked down at his chest again, and he was finally convinced that she was really there with him. Ren's hand acted on its own accord as he reached towards her hair, needing to feel the comforting sensation of her soft hair through his fingertips.

Ren stroked her hair gently for what seemed like forever, until Seong's light brown eyes opened and he stopped, resting his arm behind his head. A slight blush colored her cheeks as she sat up and moved to the edge of the bed before looking back over her shoulder at Ren.

“Do you remember what happened?” she questioned worriedly. She had read on the internet that amnesia was a common symptom associated with alcohol poisoning. Ren thought for a moment before a distant look appeared on his face and Seong sighed.

“Yeah... I was drunk and there were reporters. I was trying to get away and I went into an alley. I think I got sick and passed out.”

“I didn't call those reporters, Minki.”

“I know. I wasn't thinking rationally. I knew I was jumping to conclusions even then, but I wasn't in my right mind. I'm sorry for accusing you or that.”

“Don't bother apologizing. It was the same thing that I did to you when I saw those pictures.”

Ren turned his attention back to Seong before closing his eyes tightly. "I just wish you had given me a second to convince you. I would never cheat on you with JR."

"Will you be honest with me? When you touch him is it really skin-ship? I've seen the way you look at him, Minki. There's something there but I don't know what.”

Ren took a deep breath, steeling his nerves as he lowered his gaze from Seong's. “I'm bisexual, Seong.”

Seong stared at him as if caught off guard. Then the surprise faded from her expression. “So you do like JR?”

“Yeah. But I've never kissed him - I've never done anything with him. I don't know how to make that any clearer. Those pictures, every single one of them was photoshopped. I don't know why they look so convincing, but you have to trust me when I say that even if I've had thoughts like that about JR in the past, they're thoughts, and I've never acted on them. I'm never going to act on them because you mean the world to me.”

Seong felt tears pricking at her eyes and she looked away, desperate not to cry in front of him. “I'm sorry for not giving you the chance to explain. I don't even know why I didn't let you explain - something in me snapped when I saw those pictures. I was already upset because I felt like I haven't really known you since you debuted. But I should have known that those pictures weren't real considering what else was going on during that time. All of those comments about you, the hate and rumors, and I fell right into the trap.”

Ren sighed. “You did, but at least you realize that. It taught me something, though - we trust each other, but not as much as we thought. That might really be something to think about in the future.”

Seong gave him a defeated look. “You say that like you still that we have a future.”

“As far as I'm concerned, we do. That is if you want us to.”

Seong's eyes widened and she blinked back tears for what felt like the millionth time. “I'd like that.”

Ren's expression instantly brightened as relief swept over him. “Come here.” Seong settled back down on the bed beside him and he planted a kiss on her forehead. “I love you, Seong.”

“I love you too. Promise me that you're going to stop drinking. It's not healthy for you and I never want to see you like that again.”

The singer's expression became guilty as he stroked a hand through her long hair. “I promise. Drinking wasn't very fun anyway - I think I have a really low tolerance. Being hungover during practice was the worst thing I've ever done.”

Seong chuckled before snuggling into his side, her previous exhaustion once again catching up with her. Ren relaxed too, still feeling weak from his illness. The two soon fell asleep wrapped in a familiar embrace.


End file.
